{
(set: $waitTime to (random: $minWaitTime, $maxWaitTime))
(set: $firstTime to true)
(set: $message to "")
(set: $securityPINTries to 0)
(set: $pornoNameTries to 0)
<div class="twsCentered">
---
(display: "Animated Title")<br>
(if: $firstVisit)[
by Tony Smith<br>
(set: $firstVisit to false)
]
---
<br>
The year is $year. All of the nation's cable companies have merged into a single conglomerate. Your monthly cable bill has soared while the quality of service has deteriorated. You've concluded that your only option and your only act of political rebellion is to cancel your cable service. Will you succeed or will you die trying?<br>
<br>
(css: "font-size:2rem;")[
(link-repeat: "♫")[<script> if(document.getElementById('mainMusic').paused){document.getElementById('mainMusic').play();}else{document.getElementById('mainMusic').pause();}</script>]
(text: " ")
[[▨->TV]]
(text: " ")
[[☏->Pickup Phone]]
]
</div>
<audio id="mainMusic" autoplay loop><source src="CancelCableOrDieTrying.mp3" type="audio/mpeg" /><source src="CancelCableOrDieTrying.m4a" type="audio/mp4" /><source src="CancelCableOrDieTrying.ogg" type="audio/ogg" /></audio>
}
<audio id="holdMusic" autoplay loop><source src="CancelCableOrDieTryingHoldMusic.mp3" type="audio/mpeg" /><source src="CancelCableOrDieTryingHoldMusic.m4a" type="audio/mp4" /><source src="CancelCableOrDieTryingHoldMusic.ogg" type="audio/ogg" /></audio>Thank you for calling $cableCompany. We are experiencing an unusually high call volume. All of our representatives are busy assisting other customers. Please wait and enjoy the (link-repeat: "music")[<script> if(document.getElementById('holdMusic').paused){document.getElementById('holdMusic').play();}else{document.getElementById('holdMusic').pause();}</script>] while your call is answered in the order received. Your estimated wait time is approximately $waitTime minutes.
\
* [[Wait.->Wait]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
(display: "Initialize Constants")
(display: "Initialize Variables")
(display: "Initialize Startup Variables")
}
|title>[](set: $titleColor to "white")(live: 100)[(replace: ?title)[(color: $titleColor)[(text-style: "smear")[''Cancel Cable Or Die Trying'']]](if: $titleColor is "white")[(set: $titleColor to "red")](else:)[(set: $titleColor to "white")]]
(set: $waitTime to it - 1)(if: $waitTime > 0)[(display: "Call Customer Service")](else:)[(display: "Available")]
{
Your call may be recorded for training purposes.<br>
(set: $currentAgent to $nextAgent)
(if: $nextAgent is "Initial")[
* [[Wait.->Hello]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else-if: $nextAgent is "Security")[
(set: $nextAgent to "Initial")
* [[Wait.->Hello Security]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else-if: $nextAgent is "Tech Support")[
(set: $nextAgent to "Initial")
* [[Wait.->Hello Tech Support]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else-if: $nextAgent is "Billing Support")[
(set: $nextAgent to "Initial")
* [[Wait.->Hello Billing Support]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
{
(set: $securityPINTries to 0)
(set: $pornoNameTries to 0)
Thank you for calling $cableCompany. With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking today?<br>
* [[Say your name.->Security]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
}
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your date of birth?
\
* [[Provide date of birth.->Security Address]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
Thank you.
(if: $message is not "")[$message]
(if: $firstTime)[
How can I be of assistance today?<br>
* [["I'd like to cancel my cable service."->Access Account]]
* [["I'd like to reset my PIN."->Reset PIN]]
* [["I'd like to reset my security question's answer."->Reset Security Answer]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else:)[
Is there anything else I can help you with today?<br>
* [["No, that was all."->Thank You]]
* [["I'd like to reset my PIN."->Reset PIN]]
* [["I'd like to reset my security question's answer."->Reset Security Answer]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
{
(if: $currentAgent is in (a:
"Security",
"Tech Support",
"Billing Support"
))[
Please hold while I connect you to our customer service department.<br>
(set: $waitTime to (random: $minWaitTime, $maxWaitTime))
(set: $nextAgent to "Initial")
(set: $currentAgent to "Initial")
* [[Wait.->Call Customer Service]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else:)[
Certainly. One moment while I access your account.<br>
* [[Wait.->Why Cancel]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
Thank you for calling $cableCompany. For English, please press 1. Para español marque dos por favor. Por Esperanto, bonvolu premi 3.
\
* [[Press 1.->IVR Menu]]
* [[Press 2.->Spanish Exit]]
* [[Press 3.->Esperanto Exit]]
* [[Press 0.->Call Customer Service]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
For technical support, please press 1. For billing questions, please press 2. To make changes to your service or to cancel your service, please press 3.
\
* [[Press 1.->Tech Support]]
* [[Press 2.->Billing Support]]
* [[Press 3.->IVR Change]]
* [[Press 0.->Call Customer Service]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Gracias por llamar a $cableCompany. Estamos experimentando un volumen inusualmente alto de llamadas. Todos nuestros representantes están ocupados ayudando a otros clientes. Le llamaremos cuando uno de nuestros representantes se encuentra disponible.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you for calling $cableCompany. We are experiencing an unusually high call volume. All of our representatives are busy assisting other customers. We will return your call as soon as one of our representatives becomes available.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
To upgrade your currently subscribed package or to add additional services, please press 1. To downgrade or remove services, please press 2. To close your account, please press 3.
\
* [[Press 1.->IVR Exit]]
* [[Press 2.->IVR Exit]]
* [[Press 3.->Call Customer Service]]
* [[Press 0.->Call Customer Service]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
And what is your reason for canceling?
\
* [["It costs too much."->Cost]]
* [["I'm moving."->Moving]]
* [["The service is horrible."->Service]]
* [["I don't watch TV anymore."->Downgrade Multiroom]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry to hear that. Did you know that we can help you save money by bundling your cable service with internet, phone and VR streaming services? Are you familiar with our current promotional offerings? Right now, you can sign up for our Whiz Bang Grand Slam quadruple bundle for $29.99 per month with a new 2-year agreement.
\
* (link-repeat: "\"Hmm... That sounds cool. Okay, sign me up.\"")[(set: $firstTime to false)(set: $message to "I've made the changes to your account.")(goto: "How Can I Help")]
* [["I'm not interested. I just want to cancel my service."->Secret Package]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Certainly. And what is your new address?
\
* [[Provide new address.->Check Address]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry to hear that. We would like to offer you a customer satisfaction credit of $50 off your next bill if you choose not to cancel.
\
* [["No thanks. I just want to cancel."->Secret Package]]
* (link-repeat: "\"Okay, I guess that's fine.\"")[(set: $firstTime to false)(set: $message to "I've applied the customer satisfaction credit to your account.")(goto: "How Can I Help")]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Dankon pro nomante $cableCompany. Ni spertas nekutime altan vokon volumo. Ĉiuj niaj reprezentantoj estas okupataj helpanta aliajn klientojn. Ni revenos via alvoko tuj kiam unu el niaj reprezentantoj iĝas haveblaj.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your address?
\
* [[Provide address.->Security PIN]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
<!-- define where do we go next -->
(set: $correctNextPassage to "How Can I Help")
(set: $incorrectNextPassage to "Security PIN")
(set: $securityPINTries to it + 1)
(if: $securityPINTries is 4)[
(goto: "Security Answer")
](else:)[
<!-- setup possible PINs in random order -->
(set: $securityPINs to (shuffled:
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999)
))
(if: $securityPINTries is 1)[
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your 6-digit PIN that you created when you first activated your cable service?
](else:)[
That's not the PIN we have on file for you. Is there another 6-digit PIN you would like to try?
]
<br>
<!-- check if we've already established PIN -->
(if: $securityPINSet)[
<!-- check if established PIN not in random list -->
(if: not ($securityPINs contains $securityPIN))[
<!-- remove first entry from random list -->
(set: $securityPINs to
$securityPINs - (a:$securityPINs's (1))
)
<!-- add the established PIN -->
(set: $securityPINs to
$securityPINs + (a:$securityPIN)
)
<!-- shuffle the list -->
(set: $securityPINs to (shuffled: ...$securityPINs))
]
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (1)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (1) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (2)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (2) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (3)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (3) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (4)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (4) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (5)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (5) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (6)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (6) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (7)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (7) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (8)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (8) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (9)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (9) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"I forgot my PIN.\"")[\
(goto: "Security Answer")\
]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
Without your PIN, I will need for you to provide the answer to the security question that you selected when you first activated your cable service.
\
* [["Okay."->Security Answer 2]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
What is the answer to the security question that you selected when you first activated your cable service?
\
* [["Uhh, what was the security question I selected?"->Security Question]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
<!-- define where do we go next -->
(set: $correctNextPassage to "How Can I Help")
(set: $incorrectNextPassage to "Incorrect Porno Name")
<!-- setup possible pet names in random order -->
(set: $petNames to (shuffled: ...$petNames))
<!-- setup possible street names in random order -->
(set: $streetNames to (shuffled: ...$streetNames))
<!-- setup possible porno names in random order -->
(set: $pornoNames to (shuffled:
$petNames's (1) + " " + $streetNames's (1),
$petNames's (2) + " " + $streetNames's (2),
$petNames's (3) + " " + $streetNames's (3),
$petNames's (4) + " " + $streetNames's (4),
$petNames's (5) + " " + $streetNames's (5),
$petNames's (6) + " " + $streetNames's (6),
$petNames's (7) + " " + $streetNames's (7),
$petNames's (8) + " " + $streetNames's (8),
$petNames's (9) + " " + $streetNames's (9)
))
<!-- check if we've already established porno name -->
(if: $pornoNameSet)[
<!-- check if established porno name not in random list -->
(if: not ($pornoNames contains $pornoName))[
<!-- remove first entry from random list -->
(set: $pornoNames to
$pornoNames - (a:$pornoNames's (1))
)
<!-- add the established porno name -->
(set: $pornoNames to $pornoNames + (a:$pornoName))
<!-- shuffle the list -->
(set: $pornoNames to (shuffled: ...$pornoNames))
]
]
(if: $pornoNameTries is 0)[
The security question you selected when you first activated your cable service was:<br>
<br>
]
What was the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on?<br>
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (1)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (1) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (2)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (2) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (3)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (3) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (4)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (4) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (5)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (5) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (6)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (6) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (7)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (7) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (8)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (8) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (9)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (9) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
}
{
(set: $pornoNameTries to it + 1)
That's not the security answer we have on file for you.
(if: $pornoNameTries is 3)[
Please hold while I connect you to our security and fraud department.<br>
(set: $waitTime to (random: $minWaitTime, $maxWaitTime))
(set: $nextAgent to "Security")
* [[Wait.->Call Customer Service]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else:)[
<br>
* [[Try again.->Security Question]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
{
(set: $securityPINSet to true)
Certainly. What would you like for your new 6-digit PIN?<br>
<!-- setup possible PINs in random order -->
(set: $securityPINs to (shuffled:
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999)
))
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (1)).\"")[\
(set: $securityPIN to $securityPINs's (1))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (2)).\"")[\
(set: $securityPIN to $securityPINs's (2))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (3)).\"")[\
(set: $securityPIN to $securityPINs's (3))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (4)).\"")[\
(set: $securityPIN to $securityPINs's (4))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (5)).\"")[\
(set: $securityPIN to $securityPINs's (5))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (6)).\"")[\
(set: $securityPIN to $securityPINs's (6))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (7)).\"")[\
(set: $securityPIN to $securityPINs's (7))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (8)).\"")[\
(set: $securityPIN to $securityPINs's (8))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (9)).\"")[\
(set: $securityPIN to $securityPINs's (9))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
}
{
(set: $pornoNameSet to true)
Certainly. Your security question is:<br>
<br>
What was the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on?<br>
<!-- setup possible pet names in random order -->
(set: $petNames to (shuffled: ...$petNames))
<!-- setup possible street names in random order -->
(set: $streetNames to (shuffled: ...$streetNames))
<!-- setup possible porno names in random order -->
(set: $pornoNames to (shuffled:
$petNames's (1) + " " + $streetNames's (1),
$petNames's (2) + " " + $streetNames's (2),
$petNames's (3) + " " + $streetNames's (3),
$petNames's (4) + " " + $streetNames's (4),
$petNames's (5) + " " + $streetNames's (5),
$petNames's (6) + " " + $streetNames's (6),
$petNames's (7) + " " + $streetNames's (7),
$petNames's (8) + " " + $streetNames's (8),
$petNames's (9) + " " + $streetNames's (9)
))
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (1)).\"")[\
(set: $pornoName to $pornoNames's (1))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (2)).\"")[\
(set: $pornoName to $pornoNames's (2))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (3)).\"")[\
(set: $pornoName to $pornoNames's (3))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (4)).\"")[\
(set: $pornoName to $pornoNames's (4))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (5)).\"")[\
(set: $pornoName to $pornoNames's (5))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (6)).\"")[\
(set: $pornoName to $pornoNames's (6))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (7)).\"")[\
(set: $pornoName to $pornoNames's (7))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (8)).\"")[\
(set: $pornoName to $pornoNames's (8))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (9)).\"")[\
(set: $pornoName to $pornoNames's (9))\
(goto: "How Can I Help")\
]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
}
Thank you for calling $cableCompany. With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking today?
\
* [[Say your name.->Security Security]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your date of birth?
\
* [[Provide date of birth.->Security Address Security]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your address?
\
* [[Provide address.->Security PIN Security]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your 6-digit PIN that you created when you first activated your cable service?
\
* [["I don't remember my PIN or my security question's answer and that's why they transferred me over to you."->Security Reset]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Certainly. I can assist you with that. We just need to verify your identity using another method first. What was your most recent on-demand movie purchase?
\
* [["Groundhog Day."->How Can I Help]]
* [["Idiocracy."->How Can I Help]]
* [["Nineteen Eighty-Four."->How Can I Help]]
* [["Apocalypse Now."->How Can I Help]]
* [["Brazil."->How Can I Help]]
* [["Tank Girl."->How Can I Help]]
* [["Brave New World."->How Can I Help]]
* [["The Trial."->How Can I Help]]
* [["Videodrome."->How Can I Help]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry to hear that. We are grateful that you've been a customer with us for such a long time and to show our appreciation for your loyalty, we have a very special package we can offer you that isn't advertised. We can provide you with the same channel lineup you enjoy now but at a special discounted rate of only $19.99 per month with absolutely no commitment. Would you like to take advantage of this special offer?
\
* (link-repeat: "\"Ummm... If it's the exact same service as what I have now, then sure.\"")[(set: $firstTime to false)(set: $message to "I've made the changes to your account.")(goto: "How Can I Help")]
* [["No, I'm not interested. I really just want to cancel my service."->Downgrade Multiroom]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you for calling $cableCompany. Have a nice day.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry to hear that. I see that your account has service activated for multiple rooms in your house. Would you like to save money by deactivating all of the rooms except for your primary room? By unsubscribing from our Multiroom service, you could save $19.99 per month.
\
* (link-repeat: "\"Yeah, that's fine. I don't watch TV in the other rooms.\"")[(set: $firstTime to false)(set: $message to "I've made the changes to your account.")(goto: "How Can I Help")]
* [["No, I want to cancel my entire service."->ETF]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm looking at your account right now and it shows that if you cancel your service today, you will be responsible for an early termination fee of $19.99 per month until your most recent 2-year agreement ends in April of next year. Would you still like to cancel or would you like to sign up for one of our new special offers?
\
* (link-repeat: "\"Well, if you can set me up with the exact same service as what I have now, then sure.\"")[(set: $firstTime to false)(set: $message to "I've made the changes to your account.")(goto: "How Can I Help")]
* [["I didn't sign up for a new 2-year agreement."->Argue ETF]]
* [["I don't care. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry to hear that. In order to process your cancelation request, I'll need a form of payment for the early termination fee totaling $199.90. How would you like to pay? We can accept VISA, MasterCard, American Express or debit.
\
* [["VISA."->Card Number]]
* [["MasterCard."->Card Number]]
* [["American Express."->Card Number]]
* [["Debit card."->Card Number]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
According to your account records, you signed up for a 2-year agreement in April of last year.
\
* [["No, they just sent me a new DVR box because the old one never worked right."->Keep Arguing ETF]]
* [["Fine. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
(set: $argueETF to true)
I'm not seeing anything about that in your account records. Do you have a technical support case number?<br>
(if: $techSupport is not "")[
(if: $techSupport's (6) is "4")[
* [["No. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [["$techSupport."->Protection Plan]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else:)[
* [["No. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [["$techSupport."->Wrong TS Case]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
](else:)[
* [["No. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
Okay. Please provide me with the card number, expiration and security code.
\
* [[Read aloud card details.->Card Declined]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
(set: $triedPayingETF to true)I'm sorry, but the transaction on that card is being declined. Would you like to try another card?
\
* [["VISA."->Card Number]]
* [["MasterCard."->Card Number]]
* [["American Express."->Card Number]]
* [["Debit card."->Card Number]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Okay, I have located the records for that case. Yes, you were given a replacement DVR box at that time with a new 2-year service agreement. Did you have our equipment protection plan in place at the time that your old box malfunctioned?
\
* [["No."->Failed Protection Plan]]
* [["Yes."->Argue Protection Plan]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
(set: $waitTime to (random: $minWaitTime, $maxWaitTime))
(set: $nextAgent to "Tech Support")
(goto: "Call Customer Service")
}
Thank you for calling $cableCompany. With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking today?
\
* [[Say your name.->Security TS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your date of birth?
\
* [[Provide date of birth.->Security Address TS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your address?
\
* [[Provide address.->Security PIN TS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
<!-- define where do we go next -->
(set: $correctNextPassage to "How Can I Help TS")
(set: $incorrectNextPassage to "Security PIN TS")
(set: $securityPINTries to it + 1)
(if: $securityPINTries is 4)[
(goto: "Security Answer TS")
](else:)[
<!-- setup possible PINs in random order -->
(set: $securityPINs to (shuffled:
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999)
))
(if: $securityPINTries is 1)[
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your 6-digit PIN that you created when you first activated your cable service?
](else:)[
That's not the PIN we have on file for you. Is there another 6-digit PIN you would like to try?
]
<br>
<!-- check if we've already established PIN -->
(if: $securityPINSet)[
<!-- check if established PIN not in random list -->
(if: not ($securityPINs contains $securityPIN))[
<!-- remove first entry from random list -->
(set: $securityPINs to
$securityPINs - (a:$securityPINs's (1))
)
<!-- add the established PIN -->
(set: $securityPINs to
$securityPINs + (a:$securityPIN)
)
<!-- shuffle the list -->
(set: $securityPINs to (shuffled: ...$securityPINs))
]
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (1)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (1) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (2)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (2) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (3)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (3) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (4)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (4) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (5)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (5) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (6)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (6) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (7)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (7) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (8)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (8) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (9)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (9) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"I forgot my PIN.\"")[\
(goto: "Security Answer TS")\
]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
Without your PIN, I will need for you to provide the answer to the security question that you selected when you first activated your cable service.
\
* [["Okay."->Security Answer 2 TS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
What is the answer to the security question that you selected when you first activated your cable service?
\
* [["Uhh, what was the security question I selected?"->Security Question TS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
<!-- define where do we go next -->
(set: $correctNextPassage to "How Can I Help TS")
(set: $incorrectNextPassage to "Incorrect Porno Name TS")
<!-- setup possible pet names in random order -->
(set: $petNames to (shuffled: ...$petNames))
<!-- setup possible street names in random order -->
(set: $streetNames to (shuffled: ...$streetNames))
<!-- setup possible porno names in random order -->
(set: $pornoNames to (shuffled:
$petNames's (1) + " " + $streetNames's (1),
$petNames's (2) + " " + $streetNames's (2),
$petNames's (3) + " " + $streetNames's (3),
$petNames's (4) + " " + $streetNames's (4),
$petNames's (5) + " " + $streetNames's (5),
$petNames's (6) + " " + $streetNames's (6),
$petNames's (7) + " " + $streetNames's (7),
$petNames's (8) + " " + $streetNames's (8),
$petNames's (9) + " " + $streetNames's (9)
))
<!-- check if we've already established porno name -->
(if: $pornoNameSet)[
<!-- check if established porno name not in random list -->
(if: not ($pornoNames contains $pornoName))[
<!-- remove first entry from random list -->
(set: $pornoNames to
$pornoNames - (a:$pornoNames's (1))
)
<!-- add the established porno name -->
(set: $pornoNames to $pornoNames + (a:$pornoName))
<!-- shuffle the list -->
(set: $pornoNames to (shuffled: ...$pornoNames))
]
]
(if: $pornoNameTries is 0)[
The security question you selected when you first activated your cable service was:<br>
<br>
]
What was the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on?<br>
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (1)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (1) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (2)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (2) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (3)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (3) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (4)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (4) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (5)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (5) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (6)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (6) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (7)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (7) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (8)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (8) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (9)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (9) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
}
{
(set: $pornoNameTries to it + 1)
That's not the security answer we have on file for you.
(if: $pornoNameTries is 3)[
Please hold while I connect you to our security and fraud department.<br>
(set: $waitTime to (random: 5, 15))
(set: $nextAgent to "Security")
* [[Wait.->Call Customer Service]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else:)[
<br>
* [[Try again.->Security Question TS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
{
Thank you. How can I be of assistance today?<br>
(if: $argueETF)[
* [["I'd like to cancel my cable service."->Access Account]]
* [["I'm trying to locate my technical support case number."->Locate Case Number]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else:)[
* [["I'd like to cancel my cable service."->Access Account]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
(set: $nextPassage to "Case Number")Certainly. When was the case opened?
\
* (link-repeat: "\"Last January.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-01-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last February.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-02-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last March.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-03-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last April.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-04-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last May.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-05-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last June.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-06-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last July.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-07-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last August.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-08-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last September.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-09-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last October.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-10-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last November.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-11-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"Last December.\"")[(set: $techSupport to "TPS-12-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. I have located your case. Your technical support case number is $techSupport. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
\
* [["I'd like to cancel my cable service."->Access Account]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Okay, I have located the records for that case. Hmmm... I'm sorry, but that technical support case was not for a DVR box replacement. That case was regarding a neighborhood-wide service outage.
\
* [["Fine. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry, but without our equipment protection plan in place at the time of your equipment malfunction, we are unable to waive your new 2-year agreement with the early termination fee provision.
\
* [["Fine, whatever. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
(set: $argueProtection to true)
Certainly. Can you please provide me with your equipment protection plan's proof of purchase number?<br>
(if: $protectionPlan is not "")[
(if: $protectionPlan's (5) is "9")[
* [["I have no clue what that is. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [["$protectionPlan."->Almost Success]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else:)[
* [["I have no clue what that is. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [["$protectionPlan."->Wrong Protection Plan]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
](else:)[
* [["I have no clue what that is. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
Okay, I have located the records for that plan. Yes, your equipment protection plan was active at the time of your DVR malfunction and replacement. Therefore, we are able to waive the early termination fee for your most recent 2-year agreement.
\
* [["Great! Now can I cancel my service?"->Almost Success 2]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Okay, I have located the records for that plan. Hmmm... I'm sorry, but that equipment protection plan was not in place at the time of your DVR replacement and new 2-year service agreement. That equipment protection plan is currently active and covers you for future equipment malfunctions.
\
* [["Fine. I still want to cancel."->Process ETF]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry, but your voice was breaking up on me. Can you repeat that?
\
* [["I would like to cancel."->Success]]
* [["I WANT TO CANCEL!"->Almost Success 3]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
(set: $waitTime to (random: 3, 10))
(set: $nextAgent to "Billing Support")
(goto: "Call Customer Service")
}
Thank you for calling $cableCompany. With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking today?
\
* [[Say your name.->Security BS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your date of birth?
\
* [[Provide date of birth.->Security Address BS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your address?
\
* [[Provide address.->Security PIN BS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
<!-- define where do we go next -->
(set: $correctNextPassage to "How Can I Help BS")
(set: $incorrectNextPassage to "Security PIN BS")
(set: $securityPINTries to it + 1)
(if: $securityPINTries is 4)[
(goto: "Security Answer BS")
](else:)[
<!-- setup possible PINs in random order -->
(set: $securityPINs to (shuffled:
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999),
(random: 100000, 999999)
))
(if: $securityPINTries is 1)[
Thank you. For the protection of your account security, can you please provide me with your 6-digit PIN that you created when you first activated your cable service?
](else:)[
That's not the PIN we have on file for you. Is there another 6-digit PIN you would like to try?
]
<br>
<!-- check if we've already established PIN -->
(if: $securityPINSet)[
<!-- check if established PIN not in random list -->
(if: not ($securityPINs contains $securityPIN))[
<!-- remove first entry from random list -->
(set: $securityPINs to
$securityPINs - (a:$securityPINs's (1))
)
<!-- add the established PIN -->
(set: $securityPINs to
$securityPINs + (a:$securityPIN)
)
<!-- shuffle the list -->
(set: $securityPINs to (shuffled: ...$securityPINs))
]
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (1)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (1) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (2)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (2) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (3)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (3) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (4)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (4) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (5)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (5) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (6)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (6) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (7)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (7) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (8)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (8) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $securityPINs's (9)).\"")[\
(if: $securityPINs's (9) is $securityPIN)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"I forgot my PIN.\"")[\
(goto: "Security Answer BS")\
]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
Without your PIN, I will need for you to provide the answer to the security question that you selected when you first activated your cable service.
\
* [["Okay."->Security Answer 2 BS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
What is the answer to the security question that you selected when you first activated your cable service?
\
* [["Uhh, what was the security question I selected?"->Security Question BS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
<!-- define where do we go next -->
(set: $correctNextPassage to "How Can I Help BS")
(set: $incorrectNextPassage to "Incorrect Porno Name BS")
<!-- setup possible pet names in random order -->
(set: $petNames to (shuffled: ...$petNames))
<!-- setup possible street names in random order -->
(set: $streetNames to (shuffled: ...$streetNames))
<!-- setup possible porno names in random order -->
(set: $pornoNames to (shuffled:
$petNames's (1) + " " + $streetNames's (1),
$petNames's (2) + " " + $streetNames's (2),
$petNames's (3) + " " + $streetNames's (3),
$petNames's (4) + " " + $streetNames's (4),
$petNames's (5) + " " + $streetNames's (5),
$petNames's (6) + " " + $streetNames's (6),
$petNames's (7) + " " + $streetNames's (7),
$petNames's (8) + " " + $streetNames's (8),
$petNames's (9) + " " + $streetNames's (9)
))
<!-- check if we've already established porno name -->
(if: $pornoNameSet)[
<!-- check if established porno name not in random list -->
(if: not ($pornoNames contains $pornoName))[
<!-- remove first entry from random list -->
(set: $pornoNames to
$pornoNames - (a:$pornoNames's (1))
)
<!-- add the established porno name -->
(set: $pornoNames to $pornoNames + (a:$pornoName))
<!-- shuffle the list -->
(set: $pornoNames to (shuffled: ...$pornoNames))
]
]
(if: $pornoNameTries is 0)[
The security question you selected when you first activated your cable service was:<br>
<br>
]
What was the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on?<br>
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (1)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (1) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (2)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (2) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (3)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (3) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (4)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (4) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (5)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (5) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (6)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (6) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (7)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (7) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (8)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (8) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]
* (link-repeat: "\"(text: $pornoNames's (9)).\"")[\
(if: $pornoNames's (9) is $pornoName)[\
(goto: $correctNextPassage)\
](else:)[\
(goto: $incorrectNextPassage)\
]\
]\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
}
{
(set: $pornoNameTries to it + 1)
That's not the security answer we have on file for you.
(if: $pornoNameTries is 3)[
Please hold while I connect you to our security and fraud department.<br>
(set: $waitTime to (random: 5, 15))
(set: $nextAgent to "Security")
* [[Wait.->Call Customer Service]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else:)[
<br>
* [[Try again.->Security Question BS]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
{
Thank you. How can I be of assistance today?<br>
(if: $argueProtection)[
* [["I'd like to cancel my cable service."->Access Account]]
* [["I'm trying to locate my equipment protection plan's proof of purchase number."->Locate Protection Number]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
](else:)[
* [["I'd like to cancel my cable service."->Access Account]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
]
}
(set: $nextPassage to "Protection Number")Certainly. When was the equipment protection plan purchased?
\
* (link-repeat: "\"Last April.\"")[(set: $protectionPlan to "TPS-0X-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* (link-repeat: "\"About three years ago.\"")[(set: $protectionPlan to "TPS-9X-" + (text: (random: 100000, 999999)))(goto: $nextPassage)]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you. I have located your proof of purchase number. Your equipment protection plan's proof of purchase number is $protectionPlan. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
\
* [["I'd like to cancel my cable service."->Access Account]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry, but there appears to be a problem with the phone connection. Please try calling us back. Thank you and have a nice day.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I'm sorry to hear that. I have processed your cancelation request. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
\
* [["No, that was all."->Winning]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you for calling $cableCompany. Have a nice day.
\
* [[Hang up.->Ending Credits]]
{
(set: $endingText to (a:
"You have finally released yourself from the evil grip of the cable company. An immense feeling of satisfaction and relief washes over you. The world now seems a bit more colorful and vibrant. The clouds have parted and the sky is radiantly blue. Abundant opportunities await you.<br><br>//What will you do with your newfound freedom?//",
"\"Cancel Cable Or Die Trying\"<br>by Tony Smith<br><br>//for Everleigh//<br><br>This highly accurate real world simulation game would not have been possible without the testing and valuable feedback provided by these kind and generous souls:<br><br>(display: \"Credits\")<br><br>Music by BFA.<br><br>Made with Twine."
))
(set: $endingTextToggle to 1)
<div class="twsCentered">
<br>
|endingTextLoc>[(text: $endingText's (1))]<br>
<br>
(css: "font-size:190%;")[
(link-repeat: "♫")[<script> if(document.getElementById('mainMusic').paused){document.getElementById('mainMusic').play();}else{document.getElementById('mainMusic').pause();}</script>]
(text: " ")
(link-repeat: "❦")[(set: $endingTextToggle to it + 1)(if: $endingTextToggle is 3)[(set: $endingTextToggle to 1)](replace: ?endingTextLoc)[(text: $endingText's ($endingTextToggle))]]
(text: " ")
[[☏->Pickup Phone Again]]
]
</div>
<audio id="mainMusic" autoplay loop><source src="CancelCableOrDieTryingSuccess.mp3" type="audio/mpeg" /><source src="CancelCableOrDieTryingSuccess.m4a" type="audio/m4a" /><source src="CancelCableOrDieTryingSuccess.ogg" type="audio/ogg" /></audio>
}
Brandon Smith
Samantha Vu-Smith
You turn on your television. While mindlessly scrolling through one thousand channels of garbage, you hear a quiet thought forming in the depths of your consciousness that there must be more to life than this.
\
* [[Turn off television.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Thank you for calling $cableCompany, now offering one thousand channels of extraordinary entertainment for $149.99 per month. Press any number now to activate new cable service for the residence and payment method we have on file for the number you are calling from.
\
* [[Press 1.->Activate]]
* [[Press 2.->Activate]]
* [[Press 3.->Activate]]
* [[Press 4.->Activate]]
* [[Press 5.->Activate]]
* [[Press 6.->Activate]]
* [[Press 7.->Activate]]
* [[Press 8.->Activate]]
* [[Press 9.->Activate]]
* [[Press 0.->Activate]]
* [[Hang up.->Ending Credits]]
{
(display: "Initialize Variables")
(set: $year to it + 4)
Thank you. Your cable service has been activated.<br>
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
}
Thank you. That address is still within our company's service area and we would be happy to help you transfer your cable service to your new address.
\
* [["No thanks. I just want to cancel."->ETF]]
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
(print: "<script>$('html').removeClass(\)</script>")(if: (passage:)'s tags's length > 0)[(print: "<script>$('html').addClass('" + (passage:)'s tags.join(' ') + "'\)</script>")]
<br><br><br>
{
<!-- setup name of evil cable company -->
(set: $cableCompany to "Comcasticular")
<!-- setup range of random wait times -->
(set: $minWaitTime to 3)
(set: $maxWaitTime to 10)
}
{
(set: $firstVisit to true)
(set: $securityPINTries to 0)
(set: $securityPINSet to false)
(set: $securityPIN to (random: 100000, 999999))
<!--
(set: $securityPINSet to true)
(set: $securityPIN to 999999)
-->
<!-- setup possible pet names in random order -->
(set: $petNames to (shuffled:
"Taco",
"Bugsy",
"Dee Dee",
"Constable",
"Julius",
"Wally",
"Lucy",
"Mr. Wiggles",
"Butter",
"Waffles",
"Flo",
"Fuzzy",
"Big Bear",
"Yo Yo"
))
<!-- setup possible street names in random order -->
(set: $streetNames to (shuffled:
"Fillmore",
"Bedhaven",
"Burns",
"Frogshire",
"Cambridge",
"Barnstock",
"West Sixth",
"Hoover",
"Brown",
"Littletown",
"Holloway",
"Riptide"
))
(set: $petNameSet to false)
(set: $streetNameSet to false)
(set: $pornoNameTries to 0)
(set: $petName to (either: ...$petNames))
(set: $streetName to (either: ...$streetNames))
(set: $pornoNameSet to false)
(set: $pornoName to ($petName + " " + $streetName))
<!--
(set: $pornoNameSet to true)
(set: $pornoName to ("Taco Brown"))
-->
(set: $nextAgent to "Initial")
(set: $currentAgent to "Initial")
(set: $message to "")
(set: $firstTime to true)
(set: $argueETF to false)
(set: $argueProtection to false)
(set: $techSupport to "")
(set: $protectionPlan to "")
<!--
(set: $techSupport to "TPS-04-123123")
(set: $protectionPlan to "TPS-9X-123123")
-->
(set: $triedPayingETF to false)
}
{
(set: $year to 2020)
}
You pickup your phone.
\
* [[Call the cable company.->Call Cable Company]]
* [[Call your popular friend.->Call Popular Friend]]
* [[Call your boring friend.->Call Boring Friend]]
* [[Call your friend who's really into sports.->Call Sports Friend]]
* [[Call your shopaholic friend.->Call Shopaholic Friend]]
* [[Call your friend with kids.->Call Friend With Kids]]
* [[Call your "weird" friend.->Call Weird Friend]]
* [[Put down phone.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Where are you? Didn't you get the invite to my //(either: "Fabulous and Famous", "Money Money Money", "Dining With Diamonds", "Not So Real World", "Fashion or Science")// (either: "pilot episode premiere", "season premiere", "season finale") party? I can't talk right now, there are too many people here and my favorite scene is about to come on. I'll call you later.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I can't talk right now. I'm binge-watching all (random: 3, 12) seasons of //(either: "The Lost Art", "The Masters", "The History", "The Secrets", "The Science") of (either: "Watchmaking", "Gift Wrapping", "Unicycles", "Coin Collecting", "Bathroom Tiles", "Rubber Bands", "Paper Clips")//. I'll call you later.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Can't talk now. Watching the game. (either: "Up", "Down") by (random: 1, 20). Call ya later.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
Hang on. They're about to drop the price on those (either: "fuzzy", "furry", "snakeskin", "handmade", "ceramic", "one-of-a-kind", "battery powered", "microwavable") (either: "air fresheners", "garden hoses", "can openers", "fruit holders", "napkin dispensers", "bubble makers") on this infomercial channel. I gotta let you go so I can place an order.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
I can't hear you. The kids are (either: "screaming", "yelling", "laughing", "crying", "ranting", "throwing things") at this (either: "repeat", "new") episode of //(either: "Talking", "Radicalized", "Giant", "Robotic", "Liberated") (either: "Mice", "Dogs", "Cats", "Monkeys", "Monsters") in (either: "My Bed", "Paradise", "the Mall", "School", "Outer Space")//. Let me call you back.
\
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
{
(set: $hint = "you'll have to figure it out on your own")
(if: not $securityPINSet)[
(set: $hint to
"you'll have to figure out how to reset your security PIN")
](else:)[
(if: $triedPayingETF)[
(if: not $argueETF)[
(set: $hint to
"you'll have to figure out a way around the ETF")
](else:)[
(if: $techSupport is "")[
(set: $hint to
"you'll need to get a key piece of info from tech support")
](else:)[
(if: not ($techSupport's (6) is "4"))[
(set: $hint to
"you should ask tech support for the April case number")
](else:)[
(if: not $argueProtection)[
(set: $hint to
"you'll need to talk to customer service")
](else:)[
(if: $protectionPlan is "")[
(set: $hint to
"you'll need to get a key piece of info from billing")
](else:)[
(if: not ($protectionPlan's (5) is "9"))[
(set: $hint to
"you should ask billing about the older protection plan")
]
]
]
]
]
]
](else:)[
(set: $hint to
"you'll need to talk to customer service")
]
]
You can break free, but $hint. They're listening to this call. Let's talk later.<br>
* [[Hang up.->Cancel Cable Or Die Trying]]
}
You pickup your phone.
\
* [[Call the cable company.->Call Cable Company Again]]
* [[Call your popular friend.->Call Popular Friend Again]]
* [[Call your boring friend.->Call Boring Friend Again]]
* [[Call your friend who's really into sports.->Call Sports Friend Again]]
* [[Call your shopaholic friend.->Call Shopaholic Friend Again]]
* [[Call your friend with kids.->Call Friend With Kids Again]]
* [[Call your "weird" friend.->Call Weird Friend Again]]
* [[Put down phone.->Ending Credits]]
Where are you? Didn't you get the invite to my //(either: "Fabulous and Famous", "Money Money Money", "Dining With Diamonds", "Not So Real World", "Fashion or Science")// (either: "pilot episode premiere", "season premiere", "season finale") party? I can't talk right now, there are too many people here and my favorite scene is about to come on. I'll call you later.
\
* [[Hang up.->Ending Credits]]
I can't talk right now. I'm binge-watching all (random: 3, 12) seasons of //(either: "The Lost Art", "The Masters", "The History", "The Secrets", "The Science") of (either: "Watchmaking", "Gift Wrapping", "Unicycles", "Coin Collecting", "Bathroom Tiles", "Rubber Bands", "Paper Clips")//. I'll call you later.
\
* [[Hang up.->Ending Credits]]
Can't talk now. Watching the game. (either: "Up", "Down") by (random: 1, 20). Call ya later.
\
* [[Hang up.->Ending Credits]]
Hang on. They're about to drop the price on those (either: "fuzzy", "furry", "snakeskin", "handmade", "ceramic", "one-of-a-kind", "battery powered", "microwavable") (either: "air fresheners", "garden hoses", "can openers", "fruit holders", "napkin dispensers", "bubble makers") on this infomercial channel. I gotta let you go so I can place an order.
\
* [[Hang up.->Ending Credits]]
I can't hear you. The kids are (either: "screaming", "yelling", "laughing", "crying", "ranting", "throwing things") at this (either: "repeat", "new") episode of //(either: "Talking", "Radicalized", "Giant", "Robotic", "Liberated") (either: "Mice", "Dogs", "Cats", "Monkeys", "Monsters") in (either: "My Bed", "Paradise", "the Mall", "School", "Outer Space")//. Let me call you back.
\
* [[Hang up.->Ending Credits]]
This number has been disconnected and is no longer in service.
\
* [[Hang up.->Ending Credits]]